Proper praise is not natural for us. Instinctually we want to praise an attribute. But this can lead to trouble. Big trouble. Here's what happens.
Example of praise going wrong:
You constantly use the praise "You're so smart".
The child feels good for that moment. But over time this becomes an identity. The child (or adult) wants to hold onto that identity because they feel loved for that identity. So when something may conflict with that identity they will avoid it. Or at the least have anxiety over it.
This means they'll avoid risk. And a certain amount of risk taking is essential to a well-lived life. A non-risk-taker will end up living in their parent's basement for their whole life. We don't want that. We want them to want to leave the nest. I know, as a parent we can't imagine them leaving one day. But it's healthy. We need to prepare them for their own lives.
I see young adults today and wonder if this is what went wrong. So many today just don't want to take on responsibility. Instead, they play video games and do nothing. No job, no drivers license, no ambition. I know plenty in their 20's without drivers licenses. Are you kidding me? I was on the DMV doorstep before they opened on my 16th birthday!!! A drivers license meant freedom. And I wanted it.
Just last week I saw a facebook post from "Dustin". You may remember him from the soccer email I sent you. Well "dustin" just got his drivers license. At 26!!! Dustin is a smart kid. But entirely risk averse. And that is not going to lead to a good life.
It's hard to think about them becoming independent. I know! But we have to, as parents, breed independence. It's our job.
And proper praise set's the stage for independence.
The "You're so smart" thing got me. As an entrepreneur, I would always have huge anxiety when launching a new idea. After all the hard work I just didn't want to push the go button. It would well up in my chest. Pure fear. And I didn't know why. Until I read Mindset, the new psychology of success. Then I got it. If the idea failed that would be a big hit on my "smart" identity. It took me a long time to get over that. I probably sabotaged myself many many times because of it. And I still struggle with it. Because it was drilled into when I was young. I thought "I am loved because I am smart". Which simply needs to be replaced with "I am Loved".
This is powerful stuff folks. More powerful than you can imagine. Yet so simple.
If you want a really deep understanding of the why's I would encourage you to read Caroline Dweck's book.
Or you can just learn to do it. Which is simple. It all depends whether you have to know how everything works (like me) or you just like to do what works (like Liz). No judgment there :-)
So anyway. Teach yourself to praise the effort and see how quickly things change. You'll be amazed. We use this powerful tool repetively each day. It works. Parents who watch us teach ask how it is that our students do whatever we ask of them. They wonder why their child won't do as they ask but for us it's no problem. I am giving you the secret!
Praise the effort!
So for your exercise today. Think of something you can catch your child doing (or yourself, it's okay to praise yourself). Then think of what you will say to praise them. Type it below as a response to this forum post. Come back here regularly to post more. Or even start your own thread. However you do it. JUST DO IT!
I like how much effort you are putting into helping your child! <--------See what I did there
I love this! I can attest in my life that attitude makes all the difference with me personally , with my sons who have learning challenges, and my students! I certainly need to find a sign with this phrase ! Thanks for sharing your experiences!
I appreciate your willingness to try so hard !!
We all need a few words of encouragement! You just never know what someone is struggling with and a few positive words can really make a difference!
My son is amazingly talented! He can build like no ones business! I would like to figure out how to give him the ability to read so he can be proud enough to read to his younger sisters!
I appreciate you taking the time to work on your reading.
As a mom and special education teacher, I find the kids are more receptive to praise of their level of effort versus the quality or quantity of their work!
I appreciate you taking the time to work on your reading.
I love you all the same .
I try to praise hard work and persistence.
These are all great praise phrases to you!
Your nonsense word fluency has improved from 15 sounds per minute to 40 sounds per minute in six weeks. Your efforts are helping you become a better reader.
My son is struggling with his speech, but when I try and get him to sing with me and he even makes the slightest sound or engagement even with eye contact I clap along and say "that's it, you're dping really good!" I find a lot is in the enthusiasm and facial expressions of what we say
That is a great idea encouraging communication through singing! You are absolutely right... Our non-verbal communications can be more powerful then our spoken words!
Hi, I'm brand new here, but my 14 yr old just started being more open with me. He has a couple of learning disabilities but has overcome most obstacles. Lately he went through a hard time, and I felt like affection was very important. I held out my arms and asked, "hugs? " He seemed to appreciate it and a couple of days ago he came to me and gave me a hug voluntarily! It's the first time in years. My husband looked over my shoulder in astonishment! School's hard, you've messed up, but we still love you. We are working hard to be your support group, son. We are enthused that you want to try this new program.
I have a 14 year old boy too! He is not overlay affectionate but a hug or a pat on the back reasonates with him and encourages him to keep working hard in school!
I appreciate your effort, thank you!
Oh my....I love everything I am reading so far here! I'm trying to get the hang of what y'all are saying and would LOVE a list of praise examples....I can easily see how I have been making an effort to offer words of encouragement but have definitely worded it wrong....I say the "you're so smart" to my daughter who is struggling to believe she is smart at all.....so I started saying that to her alot this year.....I'd love help learning different praise sayings....can someone please make a list? I'm having trouble following what y'all are saying...would love a list of examples please. Thank you!!!!
I'm guessing a great one would be to start with "I really appreciate the effort you're putting into this"....right? but what if she's NOT putting effort into it? I'd love some other examples of great things to say that would help her and help her feel encouraged!!! That is what I want to do and be for her....a steady, supportive, loving Mama!!!!
Thanks y'all! I look forward to hearing some examples.....not just reading stories but specific examples....I'm having trouble seeing what y'all mean when I read the comments.....
Irene, you are right on with "I really appreciate the effort you're putting into this" That is perfect.
If she is not putting in effort in general is she putting effort into even an aspect. Can you find anything?
I agree, we need a list (It's been on my list). I was hoping to get some suggestions from the community as people learn to do this. I think that this sort of thing can be better achieved by a group.
I second the idea to start a praise list. Those kind of words do not come easily for me at all. Criticism is a downfall for me and something I have to work very hard at to overcome. A list to go to when struggling would be very helpful and supportive.
Cindy
btw, Lily is my daughter, I am Irene Page...sorry if I am using the incorrect user name!
I'll tell my kids thank-you for something specific they did, or I'm proud of them for working hard on something.
I'll tell our Son, "Awesome" or "Thank You" for working hard on his reading or math. I've also said I'm proud of him too.
My Dad used to say when he found himself having learnt something thru teaching his two boys."Bringing up Dad". It's our heart that we learn as much as Brodie in this process. So todays praise for him will be "Well done Brodie in the effort you put in, you tried really hard"
I keep on telling my children they can do things but sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of it, they do have talents and are capable
I strive to encourage instead of praise. Notice how hard he's trying and recognize that every "failure" teaches us valuable lessons and are good.
I love to tell my students how far they have come and how much they will accomplish!
I have always told my son that as long as he tries his best, that is most important. I always tell him it's important try and even if he does not succeed at first, we can try again until we do.
I am pleased with the effort I am making today to do everything I can to be the best me, at this time, in respect of ensuring I am able to encourage my students to grow in self-confidence and have the right knowledge and mindset to improve their spelling, writing, reading and comprehension.
My daughter rushes through her home work and then at home when we review it we erase it because its sloppy. We will tell her take your time after school to do it calmly and slowly that way you only do it once. She hated it. Yesterday she came home with her sentence homework and we could not believe it that she took her time and wrote it so nicely we questioned her. She stated she asked a third grader to help her with the spelling only but she wrote it all. We were so proud of her we could not stop praising her for her patience and dedication and what did she say. Take you r time and you will be faster.
My son entered a fencing competition today and got knocked out of the competition a bit earlier than he had hoped. I praised him for putting the lessons he had learned into practice and trying new techniques.
Lucy
I love this quote and often tell my students this....
Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from doing what you can do.” – John Wooden
I love that quote
I appreciate myself for taking time and effort to read something so lengthy for the benefit of my girls. I believe I stand to gain more. As soon as they start listening to me my self esteem as a mother improves.
Yes, praising the effort instead of the outcome is important for kids especially those with learning challenges! I know with my two boys they can work dillegently and still only make "C" grades in school. But I celebrate the effort!
This is day 2 for me. I'm struggling to place the competencies but I think I must compliment Liz and her team for such a structured thought process behind this programme. I can't imagine the time consuming efforts.
I am yet to have the discipline to apply as its time consuming above their school homework. Tried poke. Printed b&d and sounds 1. Hope to try.
Yes, obviously a lot of effort (in many ways) to put this all together. Thank you. Seems like a very humbling experience.
When I think of "praise of efforts" it keeps bringing me back to 'gratitude" - grateful to be able to learn and grow.....and be part of it all.
Yes, gratitude changes everything.
And yes, proper praise id very related to gratitude. They both have a very similar effect.
When my son finally 'gets' a new skill or concept we celebrate. learning new things takes time. we take all the time we need in mommy school.
This morning I asked Elliot to complete 5 maths homework questions before school (maths hwk is usually a very stressful ordeal and he usually forgets to bring it home, we only do small chunks to avoid lots of stress). I told him, I was really proud of his attitude, he didn't moan, he tackled it and tried his best. That's all I want for him, to believe in himself, be the best he can be and recognise all of his many talents . I don't want him to judge himself by how bad he feels he is at academic subjects.
I told my son yesterday that I was really proud of how diligently he was working on his project. I also say things like, "It's really fun to watch how much you've improved at...(fill in the blank).
I told my son yesterday that I was really proud of how diligently he was working on his project. I also say things like, "It's really fun to watch how much you've improved at...(fill in the blank).
Great job Kristen! Keep it up
We praise her for being able to stay on-task and not become distracted. If she can do that, other issues tend to resolve themselves.
I know it's hard. I'm very proud of your hard work and effort.
Better attitude. This I think is the most valuable exercise in this program.
I like how you continue to try even though you are frustrated.
Good work today!
I love watching my daughter be a great big sister. Even though she struggles with reading, she loves reading to her little brother.
Your being open minded to finding her success had led to this great discovery! This might not be true for all kids but it's worth a shot.
Parents with multiple kids -
Perhaps suggest tehy read, or teach something) to their younger sibling, see how it goes.
I look forward to hearing how/if this works for others.
Liz
like many of you, it is challenging to have my almost 8-year-old daughter stay on task. She finds maths difficult and refuses to show working.
However, yesterday we played teacher-student and she was the teacher. She had to demonstrate each step to make me understand especially for model sums. After that she did showed her working in her practice paper.
I complimented her for showing the working.
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