Proper praise is not natural for us. Instinctually we want to praise an attribute. But this can lead to trouble. Big trouble. Here's what happens.
Example of praise going wrong:
You constantly use the praise "You're so smart".
The child feels good for that moment. But over time this becomes an identity. The child (or adult) wants to hold onto that identity because they feel loved for that identity. So when something may conflict with that identity they will avoid it. Or at the least have anxiety over it.
This means they'll avoid risk. And a certain amount of risk taking is essential to a well-lived life. A non-risk-taker will end up living in their parent's basement for their whole life. We don't want that. We want them to want to leave the nest. I know, as a parent we can't imagine them leaving one day. But it's healthy. We need to prepare them for their own lives.
I see young adults today and wonder if this is what went wrong. So many today just don't want to take on responsibility. Instead, they play video games and do nothing. No job, no drivers license, no ambition. I know plenty in their 20's without drivers licenses. Are you kidding me? I was on the DMV doorstep before they opened on my 16th birthday!!! A drivers license meant freedom. And I wanted it.
Just last week I saw a facebook post from "Dustin". You may remember him from the soccer email I sent you. Well "dustin" just got his drivers license. At 26!!! Dustin is a smart kid. But entirely risk averse. And that is not going to lead to a good life.
It's hard to think about them becoming independent. I know! But we have to, as parents, breed independence. It's our job.
And proper praise set's the stage for independence.
The "You're so smart" thing got me. As an entrepreneur, I would always have huge anxiety when launching a new idea. After all the hard work I just didn't want to push the go button. It would well up in my chest. Pure fear. And I didn't know why. Until I read Mindset, the new psychology of success. Then I got it. If the idea failed that would be a big hit on my "smart" identity. It took me a long time to get over that. I probably sabotaged myself many many times because of it. And I still struggle with it. Because it was drilled into when I was young. I thought "I am loved because I am smart". Which simply needs to be replaced with "I am Loved".
This is powerful stuff folks. More powerful than you can imagine. Yet so simple.
If you want a really deep understanding of the why's I would encourage you to read Caroline Dweck's book.
Or you can just learn to do it. Which is simple. It all depends whether you have to know how everything works (like me) or you just like to do what works (like Liz). No judgment there :-)
So anyway. Teach yourself to praise the effort and see how quickly things change. You'll be amazed. We use this powerful tool repetively each day. It works. Parents who watch us teach ask how it is that our students do whatever we ask of them. They wonder why their child won't do as they ask but for us it's no problem. I am giving you the secret!
Praise the effort!
So for your exercise today. Think of something you can catch your child doing (or yourself, it's okay to praise yourself). Then think of what you will say to praise them. Type it below as a response to this forum post. Come back here regularly to post more. Or even start your own thread. However you do it. JUST DO IT!
I like how much effort you are putting into helping your child! <--------See what I did there
I tell my son that 'mistakes are proof that we are learning' and that it is 'better to try and fail, than never to have tried and fail'
I agree with you on this. After all, we all just human beings and we are all bound to make mistakes but we can learn from them.
- Praise the Effort!
- Proper praise sets the stage for independence!
- “I like the way your creativity in solving...
- Woohoo! Keep on pressing forward!
The Psychology of MINDSET
THANK YOU for this lesson !
I have many teenagers and young adults grandchildren. Now that I know about this undesired outcome, it sticks to my head: Praise the effort not the person!
Repeat: Praise the effort not the person!
Repeat: Praise the effort not the person!
Repeat: Praise the effort not the person !
IT IS TRULY AN IMPORTANT KEY IN RAPPORT AND RELATIONSHIPS!!!
Praise the efforts or the behavior inspire everyone about the expectations for example in a classroom.
I GOT IT !!!
Amazed at how you have dived into this with both feet. That effort is really paying off quickly for you. Great job!
What I teach my daughters is that it is not about the letter grade. I do not expect them to bring home A's &B's, are they capable yes of course but I focus on the effort. I do expect them to give it 100 when it comes to their effort. So I tell them whether it is school, sports, life, as long as they put 100% effort into what they are doing, then I know they gave it their all. And as long as they try their best that's all I ask.
I have several signs and sayings in my classroom that I use as reminders and motivations.
LEARN FROM MISTAKES is one of my favorite because I share my story of struggle in school with my students so they will know I GET IT and they can trust that I'm expecting them to not just MAKE mistakes every day, but more importantly LEARN from their mistakes. This is HOW we learn by trying to do something, and tweaking your mistakes into progress.
The other sign in my room is ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! Hearing this on the video helped me KNOW this can really work and help me help make a difference in my struggling students! I can not wait!
Every morning I try to start our day reading one of two poems I like to help us have a good positive thoughts as we go through our day. These poems are "Can't" by Edgar Guest and Don't Guit
These poems pretty much tell us life is and ca n be hard but that we mustn't let it bring us down we must fight for all we want. I hope that someone will read them and be touched by them as we are. Remember our children and us as their parents are worth ALL we can give.
Putting those on my reading list. Thanks
My 7 year old is starting on his independent streak. I will praise him each time he attempts to do something for him self and thank him for trying even when he makes a mess. To let him know that everyone makes mistakes and has accidents and that in the long run these mistakes and accidents don't matter.
My daughter Noelle struggles in school and I know this makes her feel like she is not smart but it just isn't true. She is very smart and such a hard worker when she either likes something or knows she can succeed in it. I need to find ways to make her education fun and to show her she can succeed.
I will tell my daughter daily how smart she is and thank her for her diligence and never give up attitude.
Last term was my daughter's first term back in a mainstream school after 2 years in remedial school. It was incredibly hard work for her. Often her results were so discouraging as they just didn't reflect the effort she put in. Yesterday we picked up her report card. She passed all her subjects. Some only just... Her teacher acknowledged that she worked very hard and she was beaming. We celebrated her effort and the fact that she did it!
We try to reassure our daughter that she can learn the subject no matter what it is. Our philosophy is yes, it may start out as hard, until you understand it and then it will be easy like the other things you've learned. We try to keep an upbeat attitude during the struggle to learn.
Thanks for explaining this, it has reminded me on what is the important focus praise.
Postive attitude and the passion is the core to success. Anything is possible if you put you mind to it.
I tell my son everyday how wonderful he is. How everyone learns different things and at different speeds, and in different ways.
Mim
I am happy I and trying to improve.
I thank my kids when they work really hard and tell them I'm proud of them. I often say things like "good job", and give them a high five or thumbs up. For harder/bigger tasks I try to reward them with something fun like a movie night.
We have taught our son that the word "quit" doesn't exist. instead, it's "I will try". I have never expected him to get the best marks. When he brings back evaluation results, I ask him if he did his best (no matter the grade) and I praise that. I also tell the teachers that I don't care if my son gets good marks or not - I care if he is putting in the effort and doing his best. That is what I feel is important to focus on, because success is not about being smart, it's about being perseverant and having resilience.
awesome job, great try!
Your committment to learning is an inspiration to others!
Today I told my son, "I am proud of you for saying ok when I told you we would be starting school in twenty minutes. I appreciated that you didn't argue or complain. Thank you for your cooperation." It is the smallest thing, but starting the school day in agreement instead of a battle sets a whole different tone for our interactions. And I am always so grateful for the days that are not a struggling in our homeschooling life. It is the one area we tend to have consistent conflict. Thanks for reminding me to address the action and not the person.
Much Love,
Suyana
Life is tough, we as adults know it. When ever possible let the children know they did a good job, so they can build confidence and feel good about themselves. Let them know we are still in their corner and are there when ever they need us.
Wow, this really does work! I've tried this the other day and my girlie's face just lit up!
I did not realize the impact that this simple rule of correct praise can make on a child. Grateful.....
Things never work how we want them to work. You're courageous for facing those things head-on and fixing them.
I enjoyed this advice on praise, I have always tried to be specific when I compliment my daughter so she knows I really paid attention and she knows exactly why she is receiving the praise.
I am amazed at the effort that she has been put into her Math. She is getting better every day!
I'm proud to see my daughter putting more effort into her organizational skills without having to be told, she sees the value in make the effort.
I like how my son never gives up on tasks that challenge him!
today I will praise my son for making the effort to finish his homework
I will tell my son how much I appreciate him going to the extra help sessions after school when I ask him to do so.
I am so proud of your tenacity.
I love the way you focus on your work!
"I am so proud of you because I can see how you did your best... (insert something she did)"
Am I on the right track with using this praise? Thanks!
“Look how much you accomplished”
My grandson loves to fix things, but doesn't like to try new things - including food. If
he tries a new taste, I tell him I love it when he tries new things. Last time when he tried a piece of celery, I threw my hands up in the air and said "You did it!!!". He proceeded to do a "happy dance".
I love that you are looking at me when I am talking to you, I can see you working hard at listening - well done!
Fantastic! I love that you are making sure to post your praise here. That shows such great effort.
I praise myself for taking the effort to overcome my learning disability.
I am proud of myself for singing up today
Blessing
I am enjoying the subtle smiles that my son is responding with when I have been praising his attempts and effort in his math, reading, and team sports! Our definition of win has changed to how we feel... not the numbers associated with game points or grades.
UnSurprisingly, his numbers have crept up with his happiness... and I’m trying not to beat myself up for focusing on the numbers over the past few years not his happiness. Obviously, my enjoyment has increased too! Yay!
This put a smile on my face too! Happy for you and your son. Keep it up! :)
My children are excited to embark on this exciting journey with Learning Success!!
Glad I can be of help to students and improve my own skill
I like to recognize my child's ability to stick with it even though it's tough work.
My son never ... I mean never tells jokes and if he ever tries they come across flat and making no sense! Which causes him to be very disappointed in himself! His point of view is very black and white ... sarcasm or jokes or a lot of social cues are lost to him! Last night, he was talking with his sister and told the funniest joke. The whole family was in an uproar of laughter! You should have seen my son's face ... the best praise for him for his accomplishment was to see our natural laughter in response! It certainly was a memorable moment!
:)
We will have to wait and see if a career as a comedian is in his future!
"I am so proud of you because I can see how you did your best... (insert something she did)"
Am I on the right track with using this praise? Thanks!
Pages