What if a child refuses to do the exercises?

When a child refuses

 

Let me start off by saying this. When a child refuses to do what a parent asks of them I consider this to be a very serious situation.

 

Here are things to consider:

 

1. If not handled properly, it will, without a doubt, lead to extreme difficulty for both the child and the parent.

2. Giving in now may seem the easy thing to do. You may feel as if fighting it is just too much. It is going to be difficult, but not addressing it will cause unimaginable difficulties later on.

3. Fighting it is not the answer. You must be tactical. You must devise a plan. You must carry out this plan and record progress at every step.

4. You must accept where you are to move forward. “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”. And it has no place in good parenting. Acceptance allows for intelligent action.

5. This isn’t the first time. Your child has tested these waters before, found them effective, and gone in deeper.

6. Your child knows your buttons and knows how to push them.

 

My aim in this post is to:

 

1. Explain my personal experiences with this. I have had, at minimum, hundreds of them and my personal success rate has been above 99%.

2. Explain my personal philosophy on this. Take it or leave it. I simply put it out there for you to consider. Some may strongly disagree and that is your right. You are the parent and ultimately parenting your child is your responsibility. No one, no matter how experienced or how educated can tell you what to do. Experts are advisors only. Including myself.

3. Explain the tactics that have worked for me.

4. Explain the tactics that have worked for others.

5. Encourage you to make a plan.

 

Over the years I’ve had an amazing amount of experience at motivating kids and adults to push through their problems. Personally teaching literally thousands of students. In my profession as a Kung Fu instructor I had a number of advantages that school teachers don’t have.

 

1. I was not bound by bureaucratic regulations. I could do what I saw worked best

2. I had regular contact with the parents. Usually I would have a short consult with each parent every week. We could let each other know what was going on. A child couldn’t slip one past because I always knew how they were behaving at home and school.

3. In most cases, parents and I were on the same team.

4. I had regular contact with many of the kids school teachers. Because they were my students also.

 

I also had the advantage of my own motivational training. Training that has been passed down for thousands of years. Kung Fu masters are exceptional motivators.

 

One advantage I had, that I couldn’t believe worked, was a 60 foot long mirror. The mirror stretched the length of my classroom and since I was leading the class I spent most of my time looking at the kids in the mirror. I would face them and give some instruction, then turn my back to them to lead. Sure enough, as soon as I did, one of the kids would start goofing off. He would think I couldn’t see him but I was staring straight at him in the mirror. I’d turn around and take care of the problem. The kid was always baffled how he had been caught, even though it was incredibly obvious. With this mirror trick I learned a lot. Being able to constantly observe those who didn’t think they were being watched. And amazingly, they never caught on.

 

And

 

I had the advantage of having nearly every “trouble child” from the local elementary school. The local school principal loved what I did and sent me all of his dyslexic kids, dyscalculic kids, ADHD kids, and anyone who was regularly in trouble. It was challenging, but it was the best thing for learning how to help them. Total immersion. Every day I was practicing my tactics and honing my skills. I hated to lose. And I almost never did.

 

I did lose a few though. In all but one case it was a situation where the child was having trouble in school or at home and the parents would pull them out as a disciplinary action. I rebelled against this. Knowing very well that my class was where the child was learning to be a better person. The parents promised to bring them back in a few months, but they never did.

 

Generally I’d see these kids many years later, and it was never good. A few were very emotional for me. They’d gone down very bad paths. Which could have been prevented. Two in particular will haunt me. The first killed himself and five other kids joyriding a car and drinking. The other is in prison for murder. I remember both as kids with a lot of potential. They responded well to instruction from me. They both had big smiles. And with more direction I think their lives could have turned out better. We’ll never know. But they are both reminders to me, to try hard with every kid. Every one counts.

 

I also had hundreds of wins. Kids coming back after college and thanking me for the discipline they had learned. So many recounted tales of getting through some difficulty. They attributed their successes to the grit they learned from me. So did their parents. That felt amazingly good. That was what I did it for.

 

When I finally decided to retire from teaching Kung Fu I had a shocking experience. A number of parents came to me, one in tears, and said “Who will teach my child discipline now, you are the only one that can do it?”

 

I had no response to this. I was floored. The parent had seen me change their child for the better. They saw how I did it. There were no secrets. Yet they refused to take on the responsibility themselves.

 

That was the moment I knew I needed to figure out how to teach parents to motivate. I knew not all parents would listen. Many would shirk the responsibility. But many would not. And those would be the wins. I knew I had to get these techniques into the Learning Success System and teach parents this. Because teaching grit is the most important thing a teacher can teach.

 

Learning to push through and get it done is the most important skill a child, or anyone can have. Below I give you the tactics to do this.

 

But first, a little story. This is actually Phil’s story, so I’ll let him tell it.

 

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This experience happened when I was a brown belt at training camp. It was a large seminar, about 500 participants. Because I was a close friend and studen of the Grand Master, I often found myself at the center of attention. This did not feel at all like a good thing. In the end it was.

I was in a small group of men practicing a self defense technique. It was a technique against three attackers. I was not getting it. I was holding back to much. My reserved personality did not allow me to cut loose, which was very needed with this technique.

 

The instructor of the group was trying to help. He was almost pleading with me to try harder. He had been “motivating” me for the past 30 minutes to no avail. I simply couldn’t get it. The dismissive looks from my workout partners did not help.

 

Then, from behind, I heard the voice of my Grand Master (Da’ Shifu). And it didn’t sound nice at all. In fact it was incredibly mean. He was calling me terrible names. Names which implied weakness and a lack of manliness. Saying things like “I always knew you were such a ##$^#%!!!. But what was worse was he was walking with the two highest ranking black belts in the system. Neither really liked me much at the time. They smirked and laughed. He prodded them to laugh more. “He’ll never get it, don’t you think he’s such a #^%##&!!!?”

 

They laughed and laughed. I could feel my face turn beet red in embarrassment. Then rage!

 

I turned to my group and fired off the technique. All three went flying. I’ll never forget the look of the third. Wide eyed and flying backwards through the air.

 

But I was probably more wide eyed. I had never felt the technique work before. Now I had, and it was incredible.

 

Then I heard it. The giggle. My Grand Master had a particular little giggle he did when he was pleased with himself. It was like a devious little leprechaun.

 

“See I knew you could do it”.

 

He turned and walked away. Beaming.

 

I had been tricked.

 

And so had the two black belts.

 

Weeks later I was having lunch with him and he brought it up. I was still a little embarrassed and not quite understanding the whole encounter. Once I did it turned into one of my biggest life lessons.

 

He said, “I will do anything to make you good”.

 

There was so much wisdom in those eight little words. Those eight words have guided me through many difficult times with my own students. And when I wanted to give in and give up on a student, those words echoed in my head.

Sure, I learned how to do that technique well. And I learned not to let someone control me with my own anger. But more importantly I learned about my own responsibility as an instructor. My student is my responsibility. It is my job to help them push through their struggles. And this is not easy and does not feel good. But I know now, if I give in I will feel bad about it forever. If I push through I will feel bad for a short time and then I will feel great. And my student will break through a hurdle. A transformation that will very likely change their life forever.

 

Every time this comes up I feel like giving in. Sometimes I do. But only for a few minutes. Then I gather up my strength and get to work.

 

Transformation never feels good. We will always fight against it with all of our might. But a good teacher will do what it takes.

 

Will the student be grateful? Probably not right away. But one day they will thank you. Save your desire to feel good for then.

 

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I don’t recommend that particular tactic. It’s far too harsh for a child. But the point is clear. To be a good teacher, parent, leader does not always feel good. We have to push through those bad feelings we have when we have to administer some “tough love” To say it is difficult is trite. It demands everything we’ve got. Most won’t make the choice. Instead they will wallow in the negative repercussions and suffer a lifetime. Instead of suffering a few moments.

 

Da’ Shifu was a master teacher. As a matter of fact the title Da’ Shifu translates as Master Father. And that was fitting. He was a master of using the right tactic to get the results he wanted. Most of us can only aspire to his skill in helping others. I’m still trying to get close. But I can say I make the right choice every time, and that’s where it starts.

 

So what are the tactics? Well we are quite lucky today. The science of grit has become a big deal lately. Dr Carol Dweck and Dr Angela Duckworth have pushed this science forward. And it is remarkably clear.

 

This article echoes our sentiments on grit, from the perspective of Navy SEALS. It’s a good read.

 

http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2015/01/grit/

 

Let’s get to the nuts and bolts of things. We’ll take this step by step

 

1. Assess - When does avoidance happen? Pay particular attention to what happens before. Is there a trigger. Are there times when it does not happen? Dive into these times and fully analyze what happened before the avoidance did not happen. Don’t just look externally. What was your own mood like. Did you have an influence? Did someone else? Were there things that may have instilled or deprived confidence just prior? Analyze everything and find both the triggers and the framing (pre-triggers). Be especially cognizant of when avoidance did notnhappen. Is there a condition that you can recreate.

2. Prepare - Make sure that your child is setup for small successes. The Learning Success System does this by breaking things into small chunks that ensure success. The system was specifically designed for this. But be careful you are not going to fast. Go at a rate that builds confidence and does not fatigue. You must also do the confidence account exercise from month 1. This exercise is required if you are having avoidance issues. http://www.learningsuccesssystem.com/lessons/good-list . This technique is essential for getting through this rough spot. Do it!

3. Recognize the small successes. The science is clear on this. Small wins add up. A series of tiny wins will cause more good feelings and happiness than one big win. So it is your job, as a parent to find the small wins. IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW SMALL. If you are missing these small wins because you are looking for the big ones you are missing out on a huge opportunity. You must figure out the small wins.

4. The Why - What is your “WHY”. What is your childs “WHY”. Write yours down. Why do you want your child to be better at… Work with your child at their why. Have a discussion about it. Get it written down. You need a strong why to push through this. I’m sure you have one. Just make it clear. Your child needs a strong why. You’ll need to help them make it clear.

5. Make a plan to achieve your goals. “A goal without a plan is just a wish”. Make sure you have done the goal exercise from month 1. http://www.learningsuccesssystem.com/lessons/your-goals

6. If the problem is big you are going to have to back up and slow down. You can’t beat this problem down. You have to pick away at it slowly. Look for exercises you can slip in. Even if you disguise them. Your goal while doing this is to find opportunities for the next tactic, proper praise. Find anything that you can do where you can praise effort. ANYTHING! Just keep practicing proper praise. In a few short weeks, if you look for it, you will notice your child will have more desire to put out effort. Don’t jump too fast. Just keep praising the effort.

7. Proper praise - Download and do the proper praise exercise http://www.learningsuccesssystem.com/lessons/proper-praise . Carry this with you and keep practicing. Soon it will become natural for you and you will do it without thinking. Once you do you will start to see some remarkable changes in your child.

8. Make it a game. Be creative. How cn you make everything a game?

 

Notice that the tactics above have more to do with you than with your child. We tend to look outward “My child won’t do the exercise”. But really we need to look inward. Have we properly setup the child for success. If the avoidance tactics have already begun then you need to do something different. Use the tactics above and formulate a plan. Then work that plan. Even if it is slow.

 

Speed does not matter, direction does.

 

 

If Not Now, When?

 

The Learning Success System is the easiest place to solve this problem. Trying to solve the problem through another medium will be far more difficult. Here’s why here and now is the time

 

1. The program is incredibly malleable. You can pick and choose exercises. It’s easy to find something they will do. Just be creative. Maybe it is only a principle from the program that you adapt to get them to do.

2. Grit is the long term answer. The Learning Success System not only teaches you how to instill grit but it is specifically structured to do so.

3. It’s very easy to trick your child into thinking they are just playing a game. Be tactical about this and use the opportunity to use the principle of proper praise. By using proper praise over time you will teach them that effort and follow through is the most important thing.

4. Every time you put this off it will make actually getting it done harder. Much harder. You only have so many chances at getting this right.

 

Of course the easy thing is to give in. But is it the right thing?

 

What have you decided?

 

Please post your comments below. Good or bad. I can take it. I want to know my failures as well as my successes.  Has this inspired you to try harder? Or am I full of it?